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Dec. 27th, 2009

a.b.

(no subject)

If you really love him, tell me that you love him again, AND GO.

Oh livejournal, this neglect is inexcusable....

May. 20th, 2009

white rabbit

Tuesday Night Shenanigans

It’s 7:30AM and I still haven’t taken my ass to bed. BUT at least I didn’t stay up all night laying around netflixing into oblivion. I got a text from Dan, Daniel, whatever. He goes by Dan, introduces himself as Dan but Daniel is cuter and so that’s what I call him and he hasn’t corrected me. So Daniel it is. He text me around 1 o’clock which was actually the second thing that woke me up, the first thing that actually got me out of bed. Geoffrey, this production manager at a local TV station that I met on the subway called to see what I was up to and if I wanted to hang. He has text me twice called me twice and I guess I am kind of being a shit because he is not aesthetically pleasing enough for me to give him time. Yeah that’s totally shitty and I will redeem myself, in my own little head by texting him today and apologizing for being busy. Daniel’s text, the more important one was inquiring as to my current location and my plan for the evening. Home in BK and nothing. He was like let’s hang, meet me at Astor Place at 7:30. JOY! That’s usually a sentiment I save for sarcasm but I was so ecstatic to think I may have a plan outside of the apartment.

It took me 4 fucking hours to drag out of bed and get cleaned up, made up , dressed up, all that jazz. Then I talked to my dad on the phone for almost an hour about absolutely nothing important, well except that my grandmother is quickly deteriorating but other than that it was just shooting shit in the breeze. Hahaha, how do you like that expression? Apparently Florida is rainy and windy as fuck, feels like the start of a hurricane. It’s a little chilly in NYC but thankfully I consider it to be better than Florida’s current state. It’s nice weather here, the sun shined, today, err… well, yesterday, looks like it will again today. Would be a nice day to lure Zac out into the park but I need to get some other shit done.

So I met Daniel at Astor Place and we went to this performance theatre thing. He is cute, cute cute. Like indie rocker, hipster, artist boy cute. He had on green denim and a leather jacket. He has that whole Bowie deal going. It’s cute. He’s like 6 feet tall, dark hair, dark eyes, pretty skin, a little on the scrawny side and he’s a singer in a band, that just got it’s first radio play… yay for him? I am over the hype of being with musicians, I know this is purely conceited and asshole-ish of me to say but I pretty much already know I can have my pick of the litter when it comes to them. Damn, haha, I bet karma wants to bend me over and spank my ass but needs just a little more ground, yikes! I better chill. We hung out on the Lower East Side, in alphabet city, where I just may be living by June 1st. Still not sure. I just want to keep my lovely current roomie. She’s the shit. Anyway, ADD, we went to this place called the Living Theatre and watched a “performance artist presentation. How about a bunch of fucking freaks. Daniel’s dick head friend Adam suggested we go because it would be “such fun”. He’s a pompous ass. He spit a piece of nasty fucking candy in my hand during the show and that was just grounds for an ass beating lucky for him some other stranger more mortifying shit was going down in front of me so I couldn’t stand up to whip his 80’s pleated dress pant wearing, cloak wearing, soap candy eating, curly mop headed ass. Shit hole. These performers were mostly nude. And they weren’t pleasant looking. It was down right freaky shit! The sleep just slapped in the face. I‘ll have to further elaborate later. We split off from the creeps and jerk ass Adam and went to the Arrow Bar and sang Morrissey together, haha. He didn’t drink, it was way cool. We just chilled as our perfectly normal selves and then we went back to his loft in Williamsburg and watched 2 ridiculous movies. Near the end of the second one we started that shitty snuggling BS and the next thing you know we were making out. He would be such an incredible kisser if he didn’t smoke. Ick, he smokes fucking filterless Lucky Strikes, hardcore yo! Eww though, luckily I had a newer piece of gum to kill it. Making out made its way to other things, god save my soul, haha, I’m just not virtuous enough to wait for the sake of waiting. His grandmother died today so… whatever it was an expression of my sympathy. Earlier in the night I gave him an ear full about my take on relationships and sex and all that glory and while he couldn’t fully agree, he acknowledge and respected my opinion. Good boy. So he wanted me to stay and sleep with him on the couch, all stuffed up each other’s asses but I passed and hit the subway at sunrise to go back to my cozy room in someone else’s house. He is such a doll of a boy though, he has these beautiful eye lashes. I think he’s said he’s part Polish. Cute.

When I got home I had to spend about 35 minutes relocating my car and found a bomb ass space on a Monday street so I don’t have to mess with it again until then. Cool. When I came into my room I had been logged into AIM all night and Ben sent me a “Hi!”. Aww, I was just thinking I had been a little harsh on him. Now I want some Benjamin. I want to play in his long unruly hair and watch him bite his lower lip. He’s sexy, yeah, I always let him get away murder because of it, I just need to be more careful about letting him know that.

Sleep, I must go, with the sandman…

May. 18th, 2009

a.b.

Don't compare me to that other affair!

I was just thinking how I have no fucking idea what I want out of life.

I can now say I do love one thing about NYC and that’s the weather lately. I wouldn’t mind diving into the ocean on a blazing hot 90 degree Florida summer day in blistering sun right now but… this overcast cool light coat weather is kind of nice. My sleep schedule is all fucked up here, in very small part its due to this London-like weather. A larger part has to do with their being no windows in my bedroom which completely warps my sense of time. I keep swearing I am going to start my day before 2 in the afternoon and I have yet to make it happen. I thought I should force myself back into a normal routine by going out after a regular 8-5 day job but then I quickly just said fuck it… for now. I go to bed about the time the sun comes up. It’s annoying and it’s not I think I only feel guilty because of the warped idea of what exactly “normality” is anyway.

I am feeling less depressed. Saturday was the peak. Which is strange because it started out amazing. Bondi and I went to Max Brennar’s and had a kick ass dinner and some bitchin’ desserts. Then John called and told me he could get us into Peaches at Webster Hall so we went and got VIP All Access passes. He always hooks me up the best. I am soso about Peaches or was now I am a huge fan. I LOVE HER. She has a new song called Billionaire that I dig. It’s raunchy and hip hop-y but I feel it. Afterward Deadmau5 dj-ed in the grand ballroom and the crowd was just fucking stupid and there was a Peaches after party at Santo’s Party House, in Soho a block up from Ben in Tribeca, go figure. Bondi wasn't old enough to get in so we just stayed for Deadmau5 until it got intolerable which was about 20 minutes. Then we went to Starbucks and it closed at 1 and he just decided to go home. So Ben text me in the meantime saying go to Santo’s I’m at bar on the UWS and I’ll be back home shortly and then you can come hang out. I proceeded to Santo's solo and it was gay bar. I was one of maybe 10 real girls there. I watched 3 different drag acts, She Dick, Faggetron and the Twat Twins. WTF. Then I get a text from Ben near 3 being like “soooo sleepy =(“ and I was pissed off. I was like Ok are you going to bed? Then he was like “How’s Santos?” I was like it fucking sucks, I m watching dudes making out all over the place, getting my toes stepped on, choking on cigarette smoke, are you going to bed? Then I get “Fuck Santos that place sucks.” I wanted to slap him into next week so I was like I am leaving Santos NOW. Are you just going to bed or what? I am heading back to Brooklyn. And he says “I’m really tired baby =(“ . I couldn’t tolerate the question avoidance again so I fucking bit into him while riding back to BK in a cab. He was like “are you mad at me??? You can come sleep over.” And I was like I am already in a cab to BK call me when you want to hang out, I’m not into chasing”. FUCKER. Stupid, stupid fucking young boys. Seriously what a waste to actually even get pissed at him. I have not talked to him since and I will not until he initiates conversation and probably as a matter of principal I will go out of my way to leave him hanging in which case our friendship may be completely over then and if so well so long baby, there’s a line behind you for me to work on, you already got too much time anyway. I love fucking him, really I do, it’s ridiculously fun, but the days of hanging in there for the bullshit to get to sweet stuff are OVER.

On that note… Zac is back. And he lives right across the park from me. Nice. Its going to happen, I’d be lying if I tried to say otherwise that being said I am taking it easy and not jumping on top of his invitation to hang out. He’s a little bit older, late 20s and he’s a band boy, he rakes in ass. I am confident that he will know what this and what this isn’t and how to play the game without the fronting. My type. Sorry its true.

My room mates BF is up from Philly. I feel like I need split for a while so they can do their thing, haha. I think I am going to go to the library and then the park so I can go flirt with all these guys and their dogs. I can’t lie, a man with a dog (a big dog, not fucking rodent ass Chihuahuas or terriers)is hot. I don’t really even like dogs but whatever. I miss my cats. My thoughts are jumping around…

Ok time to put on some pants and head out.

May. 16th, 2009

bounty hunter

what am I trying to say

It’s official. I now reside in New York City.

It’s a bit disenchanting. My brother was with me until Monday and late Sunday night he and I and Bondi walked up and down the fucking east side and found nothing to do, how nostalgic of Jacksonville. Midtown is hell. There are a lot of good shows coming up but not as many as I expected for May and June but that’s quite alright seeing as my funds are not endless.

I have two roommates that I never really cross paths with. I have one psycho pest (lets keep our fingers crossed that this does not escalate to stalker) and not enough friends to count on one hand. Bondi is here for the summer which is awesome because he is always down for whatever, though him being under 21 kind of cuts into our potential fun. He is going to Chicago in the fall and has a little bit of relationship baggage but he handles it quite gracefully, or so it seems. Jay, the darling attorney, who could have it but just isn’t aggressive enough with me. Zac is out on tour and should be back around my birthday, maybe that will be a gift though every day I seem less and less interested. Then of course Ben… Late night, last minute. I don’t know. I like him, lotsa lots but I find myself being off Standish or bitchy when we are just hanging out. It’s on when its sex and if it’s just us then we snuggle like ridiculous, and sleep tangled up in each other’s limbs, sounds uncomfortable and it is but it’s addictive. How does all this happen?

Bondi and I did hang out last night, we ate mediocre Thai food in Queens and then went to a hookah lounge in East Village. Tonight we went to see Angels & Demons and we were going to go to Crash Mansion for Bootie but he got called back into work. My roommates are having a party-ish thing but they are all couples except Rachel and I and I feel like I am being watched by these other girls as if I pose a threat and Rachel is in oblivion high/wasted whatever. I find myself attracted to her in a way that’s just hard to explain.

I am trying to con Ben into watching a movie with me. It would mean I had to go back up to Tribeca by train because he isn’t coming here and I don’t really want him here anyway. I think it’s going to take a little more effort than I am giving it at the moment so I guess I’ll end on this note and get to that though I almost just as well would be down with waiting until tomorrow to hang out. Though that’s a gamble… and I am rambling. Off I go…

Apr. 5th, 2009

white rabbit

This weekend was...

Shit. What was I going to say?

Sunday Funday, where did you go?

Rampant ADD.

Apr. 4th, 2009

bounty hunter

just thinking...

If ever there were something you really wanted to get me to do but couldn't find a way how, well here's your golden oppurtunity. Buy me the new Depeche Mode Sounds of the Universe Deluxe Box Set, the German release thank you, it comes out 4 days before the U.S. release, April 17th.

I don't really feel like I have a life right now. I could hang with friends and if I did I'd probably feel better but I just have an excuse for why I don't feel like seeing pretty much each and every one of them. I did hang out with Emily today for a long time actually but... eh, she just, hmmm, it felt like she felt like it was a chore or her duty to hang out with me before I left for NYC.

Whatever.

You want to pack but you end up laying on your back on the dirty ass floor counting specks on the ceiling... ADD.

You want to wash dishes and you find yourslef cooking a grilled cheese... ADD.

You started to clean the litter box but you ended with a sketch of an Octopus... ADD.

You were going to update your livejournal at like 11 pm and you wake up at 4 am with some half typed shit. God damn.... ADD.

I'm going back to bed the sleep feels sooooo good. I want to purr like the cats. I can't remember if I am medicated or not.

Night, night. Wherever this was going it wil have to do it tomorrow.

Mar. 31st, 2009

a.b.

My Thoughts on New York...

Let me start off with a big deep sigh…

I love New York. I love that every type of person, every subculture, every walk of life exist there. And for the most part peacefully coexist there. I love all the little over priced healthy dining options at every corner. I love bodegas (how does Florida live without corner produce markets, I feel cheated). I love the subway! I love that there is a show every single night that I could go see. It’s great. I have so much anxiety about moving though. I am scared and excited about friends there. I can’t wait to get out and make them because I have none there but I’ll miss the comfort of having established ones.

It looks like I will be moving to Brooklyn into an artist loft. It’s pretty bad ass, if I may say so myself. The common living area is an Art Gallery by day. It’s an area going through a gentrification process. It’s slowly washing out it’s ghetto and striving for upscale. Who knows how long that will take. It’s not in the nicest neighborhood basically but it’s on the second floor above a steel working mill. It’s brand new with state of the art insulation and soundproofing because the steel mill can be pretty obnoxious. The building is extremely secure and unless you’re into scaling buildings break ins won’t really be an issue. The bedrooms are pretty spacious and I get to utilize my entire floor space because my bed is a loft 7 feet above the floor. My room is a corner room with two glass sides. There are over 4000s/f of roof and patio space which is pretty neat. It’s only a 3 month sub lease. I want to move into Manhattan and by that time I can find a place I really like in my budget and get a job and get cozy and all of that bullshit. My brother says he is moving up, he got registered at Brooklyn College but in perfect honesty I have no clue whether he will actually do it or not and I don’t know if I can handle his drama. He doesn’t know about women yet. He thinks because he makes out with some half wasted girl over at the house while they watch a movie that they are suddenly an item and have committed to unspoken agreement that their “activities” are exclusively with each other now. When he realizes this is not the case suddenly he is telling everyone how they fucked him over and chewed him up and spit him out and you’d think from hearing his story they were fresh out of a long term, year spanning or better, meaningful relationship. He doesn’t even know this is gentle treatment. He is so dramatic about it all though that if he doesn’t get a grip and get into check with reality it may get nasty between the two of us.

What to do...

The weather is going to be a big adjustment. It was fucking cold to be frank while I was up there and people were trying to tell me it was warm considering what they just came out of. How in the hell am I going to do snow? Seriously, how? Oh my god. Maybe I will come running back to Florida for the worst of it, we’ll see. I am a chicken shit when it comes to the cold but I want change and that’s the compromise. The way you dress in the cold up there though is kind of cool. I feel protected and authoritative wearing a pea coat. I had to buy one before I left. My whole existence here in Florida has left me deprived of the joys of winter outer wear. I like scarves too. Wearing them makes me feel like my neck and my collar bone are as private a part as my breast. Each time I remove the scarf and expose it I feel like a voyuer. It's amazing. Only trouble can come from this. Oddly enough all covered up I got no less attention there than I do here. Truthfully, more and by a broader spectrum of people than I have seen in my whole life. My ego was dangerously over inflated. I always thought it was my fortunately large boobs and small waste that never cheated me of curves no matter the fluctuation in weight that sold me. It's something else though, what, I can not say.

My mind is suddenly drawing a blank. Distractions present themselves... and I can not resist.

Mar. 29th, 2009

a.b.

(no subject)

I went to Ultra in Miami this weekend with Clay, Diego, Amir & Tommy. And last week, well the week before is when I departed, I went to NYC and I'll get around to posting something meaningful about that eventually.

It was fun I saw Santogold, The Ting Tings, Perry Farrell, Benny Benassi, The Black Eyed Peas, Pendulum, The Presets, Cut Copy, Late of Pier, LA Riots, Boys Noize, The Bloody Beetroots, Crystal Castles, The Prodigy, MSTRKRFT, Simian Mobile Disco and Rabbit In the Moon. I think that's it.

I was thinking how I would tear into Perry Farrell even as old as he is. He just seems so voyueristic and perverted it's exciting like I bet he would ask me to do dirty freaky shit... and I think I'd like it.

Seeing Benny Benassi spin live was fucking sick! He played inside and all these people were dancing so hard in the muggy heat of miami that the walls were sweating. It was nuts and comparable only to really rough sweaty sex. I came out of there looking like I had exited a swimming pool and it was sweat but it was so exhausting in there that when you hit the fresh air it was euphoric.

Pendulum rocked out, hard. After they played they hit the audience to see the next show and I saw 4 of them standing there and I nervously contemplated telling them how great their show was and finally swallowed enough pride to go up to them. I said "I was just up front at this stage for your show" and one of the guys said "I know". And was like huh???? He was like "I saw you, you're kind of hard to miss". I let my head swell up good and then told them they rocked and quickly got on about my way before I let myself get into trouble.

The Black Eyed Peas were fun. I was like 15 feet from Fergie. Holy shit. It was fun as fuck though, no joke. I ended up at the front of the crowd by complete accident which was perfect. I think I kind of dig on the dude with the perfectly straight long hair, what is he?

I have decided I love the Presets more than air, lucky I don't have to choose! The singer is hot because he is the singer and that's got all the sex appeal and he has nice lips. That's not why they are amazing though. It's the music they could be asexual aliens in the form of cat shit shaped and colored matter and I would still think they were it. End of story.

Cut Copy was awesome too. Their lead singer is a new Bernard Sumner, its amazing the resemblance in their voice and their guitarist/keyboardist is sexy. I would have licked the sweat off his skinny australian indie rock boy ass, or maybe better to say off his back right above his ass. Yeah that would be hot.

Seeing the Prodigy was a defining moment in life. I suffered some noteworthy injuries from the mosh pit but ended up 6 people back from the stage. When they played the Outer Space song I threw my arms over the guys on either side and we just screamed the song at the tops of our lungs swaying back and forth. Amazing. I almost cried I think. It was a a moment I had dreamt of since I was like 9 or 10 years old.

Boys Noize was actually kinda shitty live.

LA Riots ROCKED.

The Bloody Beetroots were fucking apeshit. They have the hardest party, I swear its what they told us and it wasn't far from the truth. They are aggressive hard drum and bass. Its angry music and the crowd was riotous so I just slipped in and rioted joyously along with the other maniacs. What fun! I have never heard of them and I was going to leave to go see Stanton Warriors when some one told me I should stay and I'm glad I listened.

I didn't get to see all of Rabbit In the Moon. I had to catch the tram back because the boys left without me. Their new opening was pretty cool. It reminded me of the cult women from the Wickerman. The song was bad ass. The ex boyfirend was there though. He said he was burnt out on it so I thought maybe he didn't do it anymore. But I think... my opinion on the matter was that he was not burnt out on it. I think he just spent too much time fretting about my youth and wanted to protect me from any partying sorts of activities for fear I would get consumed by it and he would lose me to it, even if this meant eliminating these activities from his own life completely as well. I just had this epiphany Friday night. They were setting up and I was text messaging away and this guy was standing at the edge of the stage with his back to me and I looked up and was like damn, nice calves. And then I was like eek! So I just closed my eyes and head bopped to the trancey filler music and did my best to lay low and not open them again until their show started. I miss hanging out with all those guys so much. I miss Steven too. Not dating him, just the quirky entertainment he never seemed to run low on in social situations. He was like the class clown, he conquered social awkwardness with goofiness. If he were in touch with and aware of his self worth he wouldn't be such an insecure asshole. But insecurity leads to possesive behavior, he feels like he has to lock down things to keep them because he doesn't realize in his best form things would naturally just stay around him out of like. But that is all moons ago now. You just have to go with the flow and this is where its taken us.

Hm....

I spent too much money in Miami and that place is fucking bad. I am not scared of other people easily. I hold my own, I generally put off enough bitch vibe to deter the insane ill-intented predator type. But I will say this I walked through the Bronx in the middle of the night lost as hell, first time ever and didn't sweat it a bit. Getting lost in Miami by myself, the shit I went through, scared the bejesus out of me. Fuck Miami, did I say I wanted to live there? Yikes.

19 more days (I think but I suck at math) until the move to NYC. I wish I were there now kind of. I got home today and my parents are baby sitting my cats and my brother has a girl over. I feel kind of hollow. I was depressed when we first got back today now I just feel like nothing, like any little thing could take me either way. If my cats were here and we were snuggling I'd be just fine but since they aren't I feel cold and needy. I could go out with any number of friends tonight but I just want quiet. Ben would be nice right about now. He is the perfect person to snuggle, god that sounds disgusting but he is just laid back enough to be there but to leave me the hell alone except for like a hand at the small of back while I lay next to him on my stomach. I want to say he is obedient but I don't even have to tell him what to do he just reads me (and it doesn't bore me). That sounds great and all but he's not like you'd think. Its hard to explain. I just like him and if our relationship stayed exactly as it is now it could probably go on forever. When I say relationship it's nothing basically. It's a friendship only by threads. Who knows what will happen when I live there. I am scared of where it could go. I dread and long for what's to come but I'd cut all the benefits in a heart beat to keep him my friend or so I think. Standing in front of him might be a different story. He'll probably go out on tour again soon and save me the anxiety.

I think I am going to watch a movie now. I Netflixed 2 weeks ago and I never got around to watching it. It's Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil. I am going to start paying this thing better attention. It's good therapy.

Jan. 26th, 2009

only rock-n-roll

A week starting all over again...

I have been neglectful dear livejournal, forgive me. I don’t know why because it makes me feel better to empty my brain here.

I called out of work again today and rightly fucking so considering you don’t get your sick time when you get canned. Use it or lose it and considering I am facing imminent termination I’ve got to use it. I was going to work one of my other jobs during the day today but didn’t go to bed until 5AM but that’s ok because I stayed up all that time fucking off with an old friend that I haven’t seen in what feels like a life time. It was worth it. We had spaghetti at 4AM. That’s the good life, just kidding, it’s like impossible to sleep with a stomach full of noodles. I think we were laughing and talking too loud and kept my room mate and his skank, I mean girlfriend, up all night. But if we were talking about getting even I would say one down 99 to go.
I went to my parent’s house today and spent most of the day online doing research and downloading music. New music makes me so happy! And it was free, joy! I can’t manage money, and when I do a catastrophe occurs that disorganizes all the good management. Welcome to the cycles of life, you know what though, it’s ok I am not unhappy.
I am so anxious to get to New York. It’s driving me crazy, killing my focus. It’s 7 weeks until Renee and I go up to find my place. I am getting impatient waiting on all of my tax shit so I can file for my loans.

Ben called me Saturday night, oddly enough it was right after I had downloaded a ring tone for his number, it made me infinitely happy. He told me to fly to LA and this is a perfect example of how I can’t manage money, so I say ok if you can find me a cheap enough ticket. He searched, what a babe, seriously I so would have left it up to me if I had been in his shoes. The cheapest he could find was like $275 for a round trip and I wasn’t going to spend that much. I thought maybe I would find something like when I went to San Francisco for $158. No such luck though so he hunts down a one way for $110 and told me to just fly out and he’d get me back whenever he had to go back to NY. Heh, I am ballsy but not that ballsy. I declined because I have to stay here and be making money. Zac texted me too, to tell me he was back in New York. He’s great but I like Ben better. Zac has that Brad Pitt look that I have sworn off a hundred times and just can’t not like. It’s hot yes but I’ll take my 6’5” Jew boy any day. Or so that’s the case for now. I like how they are both on the road a lot though. It’s not threatening.

Tonight is going to be such a bitch. I have been up late and/or gone out every night for the past few days. I have to go to sleep NO later than 10 so I can be at work at 7 tomorrow. Kyle said we would hang out but I think his girlfriend is going to end up poisoning my drink one night. She told him the other night that she didn’t know how she felt about me, which is girlfriend speak for I want to kill that girl. Kyle is fun so I’ll continue to chance it I guess. He was like I am going to be crashing your party in NYC. Hm… no. I’m not carrying any baggage up there. The chemistry is undeniable, he feels good to be around but there is no such thing as enough for me anymore. I love the fuck out this ME ME ME business.

Shit here comes the yawning. I have shit I need to get back to and I have to go back home soon. Gravy baby. I’m out.

Jan. 8th, 2009

blue love

Sweetheart, your feelings are more important, of course..

It’s happening again, sleep just won’t come. It’s maddening.

Its weird now having all these friends suddenly. They are all freaking out about me moving to New York. Dre texted me last night at 11 and said please call after I stopped the e-mail argument we were having back and forth and wouldn’t pick up my phone so I waited until 5AM when I knew sleep wasn’t an option anymore and I talked to her.

She said my friends are not just suddenly here, they have been there and I’ve been ignoring them. She seems like such a source of drama right now. She offered to go to the hospital with me whenever I reschedule my pre-surgical evaluation and I declined. I have a lot of people offering to go but it’s not a fun hang out sort of deal so I haven’t accepted anyone’s offer and she was more bent out of shape then the average decline.

We went to the beach a few weeks back at some ungodly hour and she was way trashed and I sat in the sand while the sun came up and she yelled and screamed and preached to me about how I was shutting her out, how I was shutting everyone out because I didn’t inform her of my surgery or health issues and because I was running away to New York. She told me to kiss the ocean good bye and that I didn’t have to do this because “he” doesn’t control me anymore and if I had any balls I would stay here and live my life. She called me a coward and then walked off. After a few minutes she came back crying all of her black make up tears on my clothes. She’s manic I guess and she has more issues going on in her head than I’ll ever know but I’m the bad friend for with holding.

The last thing she e-mailed me last night in response to my declining her offer to accompany me to the hospital was something along the lines of fine, fuck it, all you have done is cause me hurt since the beginning, once a lover never a friend again, stupid me for thinking anything different, blah, blah, blah. I just decided at that point to stop responding it sounded like a closer anyway. But I got that text and I thought about her and finally called at 5.

I asked her what was going down in her life that was making her so crazy. I was beginning to think that maybe she was indulging in old demons while in Miami considering she is staying dead in the belly of a drug haven. She said its just alcohol these days and she ranted a little about her “Gothic Sluts” girlfriend but even though this “girlfriend” has put Dre’s ass out on the streets with nothing but her clothes and still demands that Dre pay her portion of the rent on their apartment in LA that they have shared for 4 or 5 years now, she just doesn’t seem that upset about it. I think she likes the fight and she loves a little mistreatment and occasional violence too. I really love her and sometimes I feel sorry that I didn’t have the balls to stomach the scrutiny and criticism I got for being with her, for being a lesbian. My life would be very different if it was me and her now. She’ll be my buddy for life but we haven’t been there for each other the whole time. Fair weather friends, it’s what we are. It’s what everybody is with me and the weather has just happened to be fair for a lot longer than usual here recently.

While I’m ranting have I mentioned how I hate my job lately? I’d love to move tomorrow.

My e-mail has also been fucked up for a while now and when I logged in today it appears that some one has been reading my e-mail for me. Got to fucking love that. So I changed passwords but I am beginning to think control is a much nastier issue than I could ever have imagined or been warned of.

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