I Am The White Rabbit.

It’s 7:30AM and I still haven’t taken my ass to bed. BUT at least I didn’t stay up all night laying around netflixing into oblivion. I got a text from Dan, Daniel, whatever. He goes by Dan, introduces himself as Dan but Daniel is cuter and so that’s what I call him and he hasn’t corrected me. So Daniel it is. He text me around 1 o’clock which was actually the second thing that woke me up, the first thing that actually got me out of bed. Geoffrey, this production manager at a local TV station that I met on the subway called to see what I was up to and if I wanted to hang. He has text me twice called me twice and I guess I am kind of being a shit because he is not aesthetically pleasing enough for me to give him time. Yeah that’s totally shitty and I will redeem myself, in my own little head by texting him today and apologizing for being busy. Daniel’s text, the more important one was inquiring as to my current location and my plan for the evening. Home in BK and nothing. He was like let’s hang, meet me at Astor Place at 7:30. JOY! That’s usually a sentiment I save for sarcasm but I was so ecstatic to think I may have a plan outside of the apartment.

It took me 4 fucking hours to drag out of bed and get cleaned up, made up , dressed up, all that jazz. Then I talked to my dad on the phone for almost an hour about absolutely nothing important, well except that my grandmother is quickly deteriorating but other than that it was just shooting shit in the breeze. Hahaha, how do you like that expression? Apparently Florida is rainy and windy as fuck, feels like the start of a hurricane. It’s a little chilly in NYC but thankfully I consider it to be better than Florida’s current state. It’s nice weather here, the sun shined, today, err… well, yesterday, looks like it will again today. Would be a nice day to lure Zac out into the park but I need to get some other shit done.

So I met Daniel at Astor Place and we went to this performance theatre thing. He is cute, cute cute. Like indie rocker, hipster, artist boy cute. He had on green denim and a leather jacket. He has that whole Bowie deal going. It’s cute. He’s like 6 feet tall, dark hair, dark eyes, pretty skin, a little on the scrawny side and he’s a singer in a band, that just got it’s first radio play… yay for him? I am over the hype of being with musicians, I know this is purely conceited and asshole-ish of me to say but I pretty much already know I can have my pick of the litter when it comes to them. Damn, haha, I bet karma wants to bend me over and spank my ass but needs just a little more ground, yikes! I better chill. We hung out on the Lower East Side, in alphabet city, where I just may be living by June 1st. Still not sure. I just want to keep my lovely current roomie. She’s the shit. Anyway, ADD, we went to this place called the Living Theatre and watched a “performance artist presentation. How about a bunch of fucking freaks. Daniel’s dick head friend Adam suggested we go because it would be “such fun”. He’s a pompous ass. He spit a piece of nasty fucking candy in my hand during the show and that was just grounds for an ass beating lucky for him some other stranger more mortifying shit was going down in front of me so I couldn’t stand up to whip his 80’s pleated dress pant wearing, cloak wearing, soap candy eating, curly mop headed ass. Shit hole. These performers were mostly nude. And they weren’t pleasant looking. It was down right freaky shit! The sleep just slapped in the face. I‘ll have to further elaborate later. We split off from the creeps and jerk ass Adam and went to the Arrow Bar and sang Morrissey together, haha. He didn’t drink, it was way cool. We just chilled as our perfectly normal selves and then we went back to his loft in Williamsburg and watched 2 ridiculous movies. Near the end of the second one we started that shitty snuggling BS and the next thing you know we were making out. He would be such an incredible kisser if he didn’t smoke. Ick, he smokes fucking filterless Lucky Strikes, hardcore yo! Eww though, luckily I had a newer piece of gum to kill it. Making out made its way to other things, god save my soul, haha, I’m just not virtuous enough to wait for the sake of waiting. His grandmother died today so… whatever it was an expression of my sympathy. Earlier in the night I gave him an ear full about my take on relationships and sex and all that glory and while he couldn’t fully agree, he acknowledge and respected my opinion. Good boy. So he wanted me to stay and sleep with him on the couch, all stuffed up each other’s asses but I passed and hit the subway at sunrise to go back to my cozy room in someone else’s house. He is such a doll of a boy though, he has these beautiful eye lashes. I think he’s said he’s part Polish. Cute.

When I got home I had to spend about 35 minutes relocating my car and found a bomb ass space on a Monday street so I don’t have to mess with it again until then. Cool. When I came into my room I had been logged into AIM all night and Ben sent me a “Hi!”. Aww, I was just thinking I had been a little harsh on him. Now I want some Benjamin. I want to play in his long unruly hair and watch him bite his lower lip. He’s sexy, yeah, I always let him get away murder because of it, I just need to be more careful about letting him know that.

Sleep, I must go, with the sandman…

I was just thinking how I have no fucking idea what I want out of life.

I can now say I do love one thing about NYC and that’s the weather lately. I wouldn’t mind diving into the ocean on a blazing hot 90 degree Florida summer day in blistering sun right now but… this overcast cool light coat weather is kind of nice. My sleep schedule is all fucked up here, in very small part its due to this London-like weather. A larger part has to do with their being no windows in my bedroom which completely warps my sense of time. I keep swearing I am going to start my day before 2 in the afternoon and I have yet to make it happen. I thought I should force myself back into a normal routine by going out after a regular 8-5 day job but then I quickly just said fuck it… for now. I go to bed about the time the sun comes up. It’s annoying and it’s not I think I only feel guilty because of the warped idea of what exactly “normality” is anyway.

I am feeling less depressed. Saturday was the peak. Which is strange because it started out amazing. Bondi and I went to Max Brennar’s and had a kick ass dinner and some bitchin’ desserts. Then John called and told me he could get us into Peaches at Webster Hall so we went and got VIP All Access passes. He always hooks me up the best. I am soso about Peaches or was now I am a huge fan. I LOVE HER. She has a new song called Billionaire that I dig. It’s raunchy and hip hop-y but I feel it. Afterward Deadmau5 dj-ed in the grand ballroom and the crowd was just fucking stupid and there was a Peaches after party at Santo’s Party House, in Soho a block up from Ben in Tribeca, go figure. Bondi wasn't old enough to get in so we just stayed for Deadmau5 until it got intolerable which was about 20 minutes. Then we went to Starbucks and it closed at 1 and he just decided to go home. So Ben text me in the meantime saying go to Santo’s I’m at bar on the UWS and I’ll be back home shortly and then you can come hang out. I proceeded to Santo's solo and it was gay bar. I was one of maybe 10 real girls there. I watched 3 different drag acts, She Dick, Faggetron and the Twat Twins. WTF. Then I get a text from Ben near 3 being like “soooo sleepy =(“ and I was pissed off. I was like Ok are you going to bed? Then he was like “How’s Santos?” I was like it fucking sucks, I m watching dudes making out all over the place, getting my toes stepped on, choking on cigarette smoke, are you going to bed? Then I get “Fuck Santos that place sucks.” I wanted to slap him into next week so I was like I am leaving Santos NOW. Are you just going to bed or what? I am heading back to Brooklyn. And he says “I’m really tired baby =(“ . I couldn’t tolerate the question avoidance again so I fucking bit into him while riding back to BK in a cab. He was like “are you mad at me??? You can come sleep over.” And I was like I am already in a cab to BK call me when you want to hang out, I’m not into chasing”. FUCKER. Stupid, stupid fucking young boys. Seriously what a waste to actually even get pissed at him. I have not talked to him since and I will not until he initiates conversation and probably as a matter of principal I will go out of my way to leave him hanging in which case our friendship may be completely over then and if so well so long baby, there’s a line behind you for me to work on, you already got too much time anyway. I love fucking him, really I do, it’s ridiculously fun, but the days of hanging in there for the bullshit to get to sweet stuff are OVER.

On that note… Zac is back. And he lives right across the park from me. Nice. Its going to happen, I’d be lying if I tried to say otherwise that being said I am taking it easy and not jumping on top of his invitation to hang out. He’s a little bit older, late 20s and he’s a band boy, he rakes in ass. I am confident that he will know what this and what this isn’t and how to play the game without the fronting. My type. Sorry its true.

My room mates BF is up from Philly. I feel like I need split for a while so they can do their thing, haha. I think I am going to go to the library and then the park so I can go flirt with all these guys and their dogs. I can’t lie, a man with a dog (a big dog, not fucking rodent ass Chihuahuas or terriers)is hot. I don’t really even like dogs but whatever. I miss my cats. My thoughts are jumping around…

Ok time to put on some pants and head out.

It’s official. I now reside in New York City.

It’s a bit disenchanting. My brother was with me until Monday and late Sunday night he and I and Bondi walked up and down the fucking east side and found nothing to do, how nostalgic of Jacksonville. Midtown is hell. There are a lot of good shows coming up but not as many as I expected for May and June but that’s quite alright seeing as my funds are not endless.

I have two roommates that I never really cross paths with. I have one psycho pest (lets keep our fingers crossed that this does not escalate to stalker) and not enough friends to count on one hand. Bondi is here for the summer which is awesome because he is always down for whatever, though him being under 21 kind of cuts into our potential fun. He is going to Chicago in the fall and has a little bit of relationship baggage but he handles it quite gracefully, or so it seems. Jay, the darling attorney, who could have it but just isn’t aggressive enough with me. Zac is out on tour and should be back around my birthday, maybe that will be a gift though every day I seem less and less interested. Then of course Ben… Late night, last minute. I don’t know. I like him, lotsa lots but I find myself being off Standish or bitchy when we are just hanging out. It’s on when its sex and if it’s just us then we snuggle like ridiculous, and sleep tangled up in each other’s limbs, sounds uncomfortable and it is but it’s addictive. How does all this happen?

Bondi and I did hang out last night, we ate mediocre Thai food in Queens and then went to a hookah lounge in East Village. Tonight we went to see Angels & Demons and we were going to go to Crash Mansion for Bootie but he got called back into work. My roommates are having a party-ish thing but they are all couples except Rachel and I and I feel like I am being watched by these other girls as if I pose a threat and Rachel is in oblivion high/wasted whatever. I find myself attracted to her in a way that’s just hard to explain.

I am trying to con Ben into watching a movie with me. It would mean I had to go back up to Tribeca by train because he isn’t coming here and I don’t really want him here anyway. I think it’s going to take a little more effort than I am giving it at the moment so I guess I’ll end on this note and get to that though I almost just as well would be down with waiting until tomorrow to hang out. Though that’s a gamble… and I am rambling. Off I go…

Shit. What was I going to say?

Sunday Funday, where did you go?

Rampant ADD.

If ever there were something you really wanted to get me to do but couldn't find a way how, well here's your golden oppurtunity. Buy me the new Depeche Mode Sounds of the Universe Deluxe Box Set, the German release thank you, it comes out 4 days before the U.S. release, April 17th.

I don't really feel like I have a life right now. I could hang with friends and if I did I'd probably feel better but I just have an excuse for why I don't feel like seeing pretty much each and every one of them. I did hang out with Emily today for a long time actually but... eh, she just, hmmm, it felt like she felt like it was a chore or her duty to hang out with me before I left for NYC.

Whatever.

You want to pack but you end up laying on your back on the dirty ass floor counting specks on the ceiling... ADD.

You want to wash dishes and you find yourslef cooking a grilled cheese... ADD.

You started to clean the litter box but you ended with a sketch of an Octopus... ADD.

You were going to update your livejournal at like 11 pm and you wake up at 4 am with some half typed shit. God damn.... ADD.

I'm going back to bed the sleep feels sooooo good. I want to purr like the cats. I can't remember if I am medicated or not.

Night, night. Wherever this was going it wil have to do it tomorrow.

Let me start off with a big deep sigh…

I love New York. I love that every type of person, every subculture, every walk of life exist there. And for the most part peacefully coexist there. I love all the little over priced healthy dining options at every corner. I love bodegas (how does Florida live without corner produce markets, I feel cheated). I love the subway! I love that there is a show every single night that I could go see. It’s great. I have so much anxiety about moving though. I am scared and excited about friends there. I can’t wait to get out and make them because I have none there but I’ll miss the comfort of having established ones.

It looks like I will be moving to Brooklyn into an artist loft. It’s pretty bad ass, if I may say so myself. The common living area is an Art Gallery by day. It’s an area going through a gentrification process. It’s slowly washing out it’s ghetto and striving for upscale. Who knows how long that will take. It’s not in the nicest neighborhood basically but it’s on the second floor above a steel working mill. It’s brand new with state of the art insulation and soundproofing because the steel mill can be pretty obnoxious. The building is extremely secure and unless you’re into scaling buildings break ins won’t really be an issue. The bedrooms are pretty spacious and I get to utilize my entire floor space because my bed is a loft 7 feet above the floor. My room is a corner room with two glass sides. There are over 4000s/f of roof and patio space which is pretty neat. It’s only a 3 month sub lease. I want to move into Manhattan and by that time I can find a place I really like in my budget and get a job and get cozy and all of that bullshit. My brother says he is moving up, he got registered at Brooklyn College but in perfect honesty I have no clue whether he will actually do it or not and I don’t know if I can handle his drama. He doesn’t know about women yet. He thinks because he makes out with some half wasted girl over at the house while they watch a movie that they are suddenly an item and have committed to unspoken agreement that their “activities” are exclusively with each other now. When he realizes this is not the case suddenly he is telling everyone how they fucked him over and chewed him up and spit him out and you’d think from hearing his story they were fresh out of a long term, year spanning or better, meaningful relationship. He doesn’t even know this is gentle treatment. He is so dramatic about it all though that if he doesn’t get a grip and get into check with reality it may get nasty between the two of us.

What to do...

The weather is going to be a big adjustment. It was fucking cold to be frank while I was up there and people were trying to tell me it was warm considering what they just came out of. How in the hell am I going to do snow? Seriously, how? Oh my god. Maybe I will come running back to Florida for the worst of it, we’ll see. I am a chicken shit when it comes to the cold but I want change and that’s the compromise. The way you dress in the cold up there though is kind of cool. I feel protected and authoritative wearing a pea coat. I had to buy one before I left. My whole existence here in Florida has left me deprived of the joys of winter outer wear. I like scarves too. Wearing them makes me feel like my neck and my collar bone are as private a part as my breast. Each time I remove the scarf and expose it I feel like a voyuer. It's amazing. Only trouble can come from this. Oddly enough all covered up I got no less attention there than I do here. Truthfully, more and by a broader spectrum of people than I have seen in my whole life. My ego was dangerously over inflated. I always thought it was my fortunately large boobs and small waste that never cheated me of curves no matter the fluctuation in weight that sold me. It's something else though, what, I can not say.

My mind is suddenly drawing a blank. Distractions present themselves... and I can not resist.

I went to Ultra in Miami this weekend with Clay, Diego, Amir & Tommy. And last week, well the week before is when I departed, I went to NYC and I'll get around to posting something meaningful about that eventually.

It was fun I saw Santogold, The Ting Tings, Perry Farrell, Benny Benassi, The Black Eyed Peas, Pendulum, The Presets, Cut Copy, Late of Pier, LA Riots, Boys Noize, The Bloody Beetroots, Crystal Castles, The Prodigy, MSTRKRFT, Simian Mobile Disco and Rabbit In the Moon. I think that's it.

I was thinking how I would tear into Perry Farrell even as old as he is. He just seems so voyueristic and perverted it's exciting like I bet he would ask me to do dirty freaky shit... and I think I'd like it.

Seeing Benny Benassi spin live was fucking sick! He played inside and all these people were dancing so hard in the muggy heat of miami that the walls were sweating. It was nuts and comparable only to really rough sweaty sex. I came out of there looking like I had exited a swimming pool and it was sweat but it was so exhausting in there that when you hit the fresh air it was euphoric.

Pendulum rocked out, hard. After they played they hit the audience to see the next show and I saw 4 of them standing there and I nervously contemplated telling them how great their show was and finally swallowed enough pride to go up to them. I said "I was just up front at this stage for your show" and one of the guys said "I know". And was like huh???? He was like "I saw you, you're kind of hard to miss". I let my head swell up good and then told them they rocked and quickly got on about my way before I let myself get into trouble.

The Black Eyed Peas were fun. I was like 15 feet from Fergie. Holy shit. It was fun as fuck though, no joke. I ended up at the front of the crowd by complete accident which was perfect. I think I kind of dig on the dude with the perfectly straight long hair, what is he?

I have decided I love the Presets more than air, lucky I don't have to choose! The singer is hot because he is the singer and that's got all the sex appeal and he has nice lips. That's not why they are amazing though. It's the music they could be asexual aliens in the form of cat shit shaped and colored matter and I would still think they were it. End of story.

Cut Copy was awesome too. Their lead singer is a new Bernard Sumner, its amazing the resemblance in their voice and their guitarist/keyboardist is sexy. I would have licked the sweat off his skinny australian indie rock boy ass, or maybe better to say off his back right above his ass. Yeah that would be hot.

Seeing the Prodigy was a defining moment in life. I suffered some noteworthy injuries from the mosh pit but ended up 6 people back from the stage. When they played the Outer Space song I threw my arms over the guys on either side and we just screamed the song at the tops of our lungs swaying back and forth. Amazing. I almost cried I think. It was a a moment I had dreamt of since I was like 9 or 10 years old.

Boys Noize was actually kinda shitty live.

LA Riots ROCKED.

The Bloody Beetroots were fucking apeshit. They have the hardest party, I swear its what they told us and it wasn't far from the truth. They are aggressive hard drum and bass. Its angry music and the crowd was riotous so I just slipped in and rioted joyously along with the other maniacs. What fun! I have never heard of them and I was going to leave to go see Stanton Warriors when some one told me I should stay and I'm glad I listened.

I didn't get to see all of Rabbit In the Moon. I had to catch the tram back because the boys left without me. Their new opening was pretty cool. It reminded me of the cult women from the Wickerman. The song was bad ass. The ex boyfirend was there though. He said he was burnt out on it so I thought maybe he didn't do it anymore. But I think... my opinion on the matter was that he was not burnt out on it. I think he just spent too much time fretting about my youth and wanted to protect me from any partying sorts of activities for fear I would get consumed by it and he would lose me to it, even if this meant eliminating these activities from his own life completely as well. I just had this epiphany Friday night. They were setting up and I was text messaging away and this guy was standing at the edge of the stage with his back to me and I looked up and was like damn, nice calves. And then I was like eek! So I just closed my eyes and head bopped to the trancey filler music and did my best to lay low and not open them again until their show started. I miss hanging out with all those guys so much. I miss Steven too. Not dating him, just the quirky entertainment he never seemed to run low on in social situations. He was like the class clown, he conquered social awkwardness with goofiness. If he were in touch with and aware of his self worth he wouldn't be such an insecure asshole. But insecurity leads to possesive behavior, he feels like he has to lock down things to keep them because he doesn't realize in his best form things would naturally just stay around him out of like. But that is all moons ago now. You just have to go with the flow and this is where its taken us.

Hm....

I spent too much money in Miami and that place is fucking bad. I am not scared of other people easily. I hold my own, I generally put off enough bitch vibe to deter the insane ill-intented predator type. But I will say this I walked through the Bronx in the middle of the night lost as hell, first time ever and didn't sweat it a bit. Getting lost in Miami by myself, the shit I went through, scared the bejesus out of me. Fuck Miami, did I say I wanted to live there? Yikes.

19 more days (I think but I suck at math) until the move to NYC. I wish I were there now kind of. I got home today and my parents are baby sitting my cats and my brother has a girl over. I feel kind of hollow. I was depressed when we first got back today now I just feel like nothing, like any little thing could take me either way. If my cats were here and we were snuggling I'd be just fine but since they aren't I feel cold and needy. I could go out with any number of friends tonight but I just want quiet. Ben would be nice right about now. He is the perfect person to snuggle, god that sounds disgusting but he is just laid back enough to be there but to leave me the hell alone except for like a hand at the small of back while I lay next to him on my stomach. I want to say he is obedient but I don't even have to tell him what to do he just reads me (and it doesn't bore me). That sounds great and all but he's not like you'd think. Its hard to explain. I just like him and if our relationship stayed exactly as it is now it could probably go on forever. When I say relationship it's nothing basically. It's a friendship only by threads. Who knows what will happen when I live there. I am scared of where it could go. I dread and long for what's to come but I'd cut all the benefits in a heart beat to keep him my friend or so I think. Standing in front of him might be a different story. He'll probably go out on tour again soon and save me the anxiety.

I think I am going to watch a movie now. I Netflixed 2 weeks ago and I never got around to watching it. It's Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil. I am going to start paying this thing better attention. It's good therapy.

I have been neglectful dear livejournal, forgive me. I don’t know why because it makes me feel better to empty my brain here.

I called out of work again today and rightly fucking so considering you don’t get your sick time when you get canned. Use it or lose it and considering I am facing imminent termination I’ve got to use it. I was going to work one of my other jobs during the day today but didn’t go to bed until 5AM but that’s ok because I stayed up all that time fucking off with an old friend that I haven’t seen in what feels like a life time. It was worth it. We had spaghetti at 4AM. That’s the good life, just kidding, it’s like impossible to sleep with a stomach full of noodles. I think we were laughing and talking too loud and kept my room mate and his skank, I mean girlfriend, up all night. But if we were talking about getting even I would say one down 99 to go.
I went to my parent’s house today and spent most of the day online doing research and downloading music. New music makes me so happy! And it was free, joy! I can’t manage money, and when I do a catastrophe occurs that disorganizes all the good management. Welcome to the cycles of life, you know what though, it’s ok I am not unhappy.
I am so anxious to get to New York. It’s driving me crazy, killing my focus. It’s 7 weeks until Renee and I go up to find my place. I am getting impatient waiting on all of my tax shit so I can file for my loans.

Ben called me Saturday night, oddly enough it was right after I had downloaded a ring tone for his number, it made me infinitely happy. He told me to fly to LA and this is a perfect example of how I can’t manage money, so I say ok if you can find me a cheap enough ticket. He searched, what a babe, seriously I so would have left it up to me if I had been in his shoes. The cheapest he could find was like $275 for a round trip and I wasn’t going to spend that much. I thought maybe I would find something like when I went to San Francisco for $158. No such luck though so he hunts down a one way for $110 and told me to just fly out and he’d get me back whenever he had to go back to NY. Heh, I am ballsy but not that ballsy. I declined because I have to stay here and be making money. Zac texted me too, to tell me he was back in New York. He’s great but I like Ben better. Zac has that Brad Pitt look that I have sworn off a hundred times and just can’t not like. It’s hot yes but I’ll take my 6’5” Jew boy any day. Or so that’s the case for now. I like how they are both on the road a lot though. It’s not threatening.

Tonight is going to be such a bitch. I have been up late and/or gone out every night for the past few days. I have to go to sleep NO later than 10 so I can be at work at 7 tomorrow. Kyle said we would hang out but I think his girlfriend is going to end up poisoning my drink one night. She told him the other night that she didn’t know how she felt about me, which is girlfriend speak for I want to kill that girl. Kyle is fun so I’ll continue to chance it I guess. He was like I am going to be crashing your party in NYC. Hm… no. I’m not carrying any baggage up there. The chemistry is undeniable, he feels good to be around but there is no such thing as enough for me anymore. I love the fuck out this ME ME ME business.

Shit here comes the yawning. I have shit I need to get back to and I have to go back home soon. Gravy baby. I’m out.

It’s happening again, sleep just won’t come. It’s maddening.

Its weird now having all these friends suddenly. They are all freaking out about me moving to New York. Dre texted me last night at 11 and said please call after I stopped the e-mail argument we were having back and forth and wouldn’t pick up my phone so I waited until 5AM when I knew sleep wasn’t an option anymore and I talked to her.

She said my friends are not just suddenly here, they have been there and I’ve been ignoring them. She seems like such a source of drama right now. She offered to go to the hospital with me whenever I reschedule my pre-surgical evaluation and I declined. I have a lot of people offering to go but it’s not a fun hang out sort of deal so I haven’t accepted anyone’s offer and she was more bent out of shape then the average decline.

We went to the beach a few weeks back at some ungodly hour and she was way trashed and I sat in the sand while the sun came up and she yelled and screamed and preached to me about how I was shutting her out, how I was shutting everyone out because I didn’t inform her of my surgery or health issues and because I was running away to New York. She told me to kiss the ocean good bye and that I didn’t have to do this because “he” doesn’t control me anymore and if I had any balls I would stay here and live my life. She called me a coward and then walked off. After a few minutes she came back crying all of her black make up tears on my clothes. She’s manic I guess and she has more issues going on in her head than I’ll ever know but I’m the bad friend for with holding.

The last thing she e-mailed me last night in response to my declining her offer to accompany me to the hospital was something along the lines of fine, fuck it, all you have done is cause me hurt since the beginning, once a lover never a friend again, stupid me for thinking anything different, blah, blah, blah. I just decided at that point to stop responding it sounded like a closer anyway. But I got that text and I thought about her and finally called at 5.

I asked her what was going down in her life that was making her so crazy. I was beginning to think that maybe she was indulging in old demons while in Miami considering she is staying dead in the belly of a drug haven. She said its just alcohol these days and she ranted a little about her “Gothic Sluts” girlfriend but even though this “girlfriend” has put Dre’s ass out on the streets with nothing but her clothes and still demands that Dre pay her portion of the rent on their apartment in LA that they have shared for 4 or 5 years now, she just doesn’t seem that upset about it. I think she likes the fight and she loves a little mistreatment and occasional violence too. I really love her and sometimes I feel sorry that I didn’t have the balls to stomach the scrutiny and criticism I got for being with her, for being a lesbian. My life would be very different if it was me and her now. She’ll be my buddy for life but we haven’t been there for each other the whole time. Fair weather friends, it’s what we are. It’s what everybody is with me and the weather has just happened to be fair for a lot longer than usual here recently.

While I’m ranting have I mentioned how I hate my job lately? I’d love to move tomorrow.

My e-mail has also been fucked up for a while now and when I logged in today it appears that some one has been reading my e-mail for me. Got to fucking love that. So I changed passwords but I am beginning to think control is a much nastier issue than I could ever have imagined or been warned of.

I am so incredibly fucking happy that Christmas is over. Now if everyone would just take down their fucking lights and bullshit I could start to pretend the holiday didn't even happen.

I was at work today and I got up to go scan some shit in the copy room and I took my headphones off and looked around and everyone but me was in the conference room. Not a good fucking feeling. The room is all glass. I instantly fucking felt in my guts that it was the meeting before my termination about how they would redistribute my duties. I wanted to flash them, give them the finger, flip over a file drawer and pick up my purse and sunglasses, put them on and walk out. I looked over and Jeff from Insuramerica was standing there so I told him to look and he said just chill and wait calmly, hopefully it was nothing. After the meeting Renee and Emily, the two people I actually consider friends at that hell hole were like let's go to lunch.

Turns out they had intended to move me to a position supporting our SC and PVB producers which would require a lot of face to face client inteaction and I would be flying back and forth between Jacksonville and Charleston weekly. They now however feel that my professional demeanor has vanished with the new hole I punched in my face. Part of me wanted to pout but I just shrugged and said fuck it. If I took it, it would just lead me to another very unhappy dead end road that I would just sit at the end of miserably for a few years until I figured out what the fuck I would do with myself and I would just be even more miserable because I would be older too by then.

I have to wait until both my taxes and my parents taxes are filed next month and then I can file for financial aid and when the results come back from that, which I could be approved because I took such a HUGE fucking paycut this year, then I can proceed with my school financing. I should be starting MUD in Manhattan either April 15th or May 1st. I hope to move up at least two weeks before my classes. Renee and I are going up in February so I can meet a few of her friends with job and living connections.

It is fucking stressful. I will be in LA for 6 weeks at the end of the year and I have never been in snow so I am scared about going back to NYC after the LA classes and Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh! I just want to scream. I don't know whether I should take all of my furniture and shit or just fuck it and go up there with an air mattress and put my shit in storage until I figure out whether I can even handle New York or not. I am giddy and excited and also at my wits end. I have to change banks back over too, that reminds me. I am feeling psychotic so I have to put all of my thoughts down even the totally irrelevent ones. Time to collect, I mean my fucking thoughts mainly.And common sense I was told I didn't have any but that person can kiss my ass.

Hm, I am actually kind of stoked that I might really be about to do something with my life thats kind of out there but really what I want to do. I am kind of like pursuiting a fucking daydream, fuck all you realist. Go me.

Fuck Holidays.

Fuck 2008.

I want to ravage Ben.

I have heart surgery next month.

I want to get into Make Up Designory in NYC.

I got a monroe done Saturday morning. Here's pics.





That's that.

I had planned to go out all 4 nights this week that I had off. So far so good but somehow I doubt I keep it up. Right now its a serious effort to get out of bed. I have laundry that's been backed up for almost a month now that's nagging at me.

I officially hate holidays. I am going to start today looking for any excuse under the sun to get out of town for Christmas. My dads faimly has never done Thanksgiving before because they aren't from the states but one of his sisters husbands did a big thanksgiving at their house for his family and left an open invite for us. They should just go ahead and celebrate the fucking holiday because probably twenty of us showed up. It fucking sucked though. When I showed up without Steven it was a big disturbance. Can you believe they fucking remembered his birthday? I didn't get the first fucking card from any of them for my birthday this year and they had them for him. I wouldn't even look at the cards, not take them, touch them, acknowledge them. Then the more alcohol my mom consumed the more she carries on about him and I wanted to just make her not exist. I was so miserable. That whole family justbtreated me like a stuck up spoiled rotten bitch before he came into the picture then suddenly I was everybody's lovely niece, now its back to the bitch days and just for the record I am NOT a bitch to them ever.

When I got home this huge fucking green easter bunny he gave me had fallen off the closet shelf and was in plain view. How the fuck did that happen its been up there 5 months untouched. The neighbors little girl had come over a few weeks ago when they were helping us move a couch and she was enamored with it. I am a fucking idiot for not letting her have it and getting rid of it then but I just couldn't. All I can say is that I hope his birthday was a good as mine (awful) and I am sure it was but even knowing that I don't feel any satisfaction.

I was supposed to spend time with Landi yesterday he left his friends early to see me. When he texted me to let me know he was home I didn't respond because I knew what he that he was saying come over but I felt like ignoring him because he wasn't direct. I have been blowing him off and being bitchy to him for no reason. The only time I make myself available is when he is at work. I go up there with other people and pay him just enough attention to be considered a tease then I leave without saying goodbye. I get irritated with myself for being like that but I have no control over it in the moment. I would actually like to see him today but as soon as he calls me I'll have an excuse.

It seemed like things had been much better lately and really they have this is just one of those days and it was the holiday.

I was trying to recollect my weekend and I can't seem to remember shit.

Well I remember that I bought a sidekick and switched to tmobile. Its textmania, I doubt I'll ever call anyone again. That's awful actually text messaging is so fucking impersonal. Oh well, I give in.

Something is not quite right with me. My last two nights sleep has been interupted and I'd waited until 9 to take my provigil and by two I could have napped on the floor of my cube in a hot second. I seem to have some digestive complications as well. Everytime I eat or drink anything other than water I feel I need to throw up and if I don't it feels like some one is stabbing me in my diaphragm with an ice pick. I guess it would also explain the rapid shedding of 8.5lbs I've done in about a week.

Can I get a fucking break? Seriously.

Yesterday's work day was HELL. It seemed to scoot by pretty quick though and in the treacherous I95 traffic Landi called to say he was in Daytona headed to Jax. At first I was ecstatic. Then I started thinking, a dangerous task for me. I tried to focus on other things while I waited for him to come over. He called again to tell me the house he was going to rent is fucked up. They got shit crossed and put him in the wrong place and he’s not moving there and now he needs a place to stay for the night. I told him it was ok to stay with me. I had run to the store when he called to tell me he was in the parking lot. I pulled up and parked next to his sleek black Mercedes thinking image was too much to him but how hypocritical of me. I am nothing but the image, shallow as a dinner plate. I got out and stood outside of his car arms crossed and waited for him to come to me. “You know”, I said, “I didn’t actually ever expect to see you in real life again, not even when you said you were coming back to Jax.” He shaved his head. I don’t like it. He’s still got perfect lips so I wouldn’t deny him a kiss when went in for one. I made it quick though, turned on my heel and proceeded into the house. We sat in the living room talking to my brother for an hour or so. I noticed he was not using his I-phone so I inquired as to what happened to it. He told me he gave it to his dad, which means he gave it to the girl, his high school sweetheart, his traditional little Albanian princess, who’s been waiting with a still heart for him for 6 years he’s been in the states and the 4 he spent in Italy prior to that, they were supposed to get married this trip home, that was until I entered the picture. Home wrecking from across the ocean. Maybe that’s where the obsession really roots. When my brother left for the night he went in for the kill and I broke into 20 questions. He said he’s not married because he can’t stop thinking about me. Horse shit. He may be back in Jacksonville for me but he hasn’t given up his white picket fence fairy tale over me. He’s put it off so he can have his cake and eat it too.

Perhaps it’s this very behavior that attracts me to him. Though after last night my reaction to that electricity has dulled. If he thinks he is about to be my only lonely, dear boyfriend while I play his # 2 he’s in the wrong dream. I can tell he likes me genuinely. He was sweet, affectionate. He wanted to hold me while I TRIED to sleep. I needed space. He put off too much body heat, he was cold and wanted to snuggle I was burning up, borderline psychotic from meds and I greatly value my personal space.

Why am I such a bitch? Really. I want it all until I’ve got it. Then it’s worthless. I’m such a predator. He said last night he’ll move to Ft. Lauderdale with me but I might be feeling New York now, no one knows. I can’t wait to get back in school. I think I am getting better, maybe other people think I’m getting more psychotic. Maybe it’s all the meds and sickness and the impending threat of terminal illness but I’m beginning to feel a little more like myself.

I had the longest weekend and I can’t say that was necessarily a good thing.

Friday night, Renee, my friend from work, and I went to the movies around 7. We saw Quantum of Solace and RockNRolla. Both bad ass movies. While I was insistent on having a Clive Owen or Robert Downey, Jr. for Christmas, I would definitely say a Daniel Craig would suit me as well now. I used to think Pierce Brosnan was such the shit. He was my 007 because growing up and seeing Bond movies in the theatre he was my bond. I never found him sexually appetizing but he did the job quite well or so I thought until Daniel Craig stepped in and now I’m like Pierce who? I mean Sean Connery will always be my favorite Bond but damn…Daniel Craig. When I grow up I want to be a bond girl.

After the movies and taking Renee home on Friday I went by Jaren’s house party where I was treated like I’d invited myself and crashed the party. I stayed for a whole whopping 10 minutes suffering through karaoke and then left. I guess he felt the need to shun me for something. Plus he and I’s people don’t mix. Maybe I am a bitch, maybe I am on my own little pedestal, maybe I’m antisocial, maybe stuck up, who knows. To me I am just me, plain old normal Ellice. And I am not everybody’s friend that’s for fucking sure. His crowd was there and they were emanating bad energy the second I cracked the door but I didn’t want to be impolite. When he finally made an appearance long enough for me to tell him I was just dropping by and that I was headed home he just stared at me unresponsive. Ok. Somebody had too much to drink. The next day he said that wasn’t the case and I didn’t care at that point I was over it.

I ran out of sleeping pills Friday and I had been doubling them so the when I called the prescription back in the pharmacy said no refills until 12/5? WTF? Doctor’s office closed at noon and it was 4. No chance at a refill until Monday. So Friday night I did not sleep.

Saturday night I went to Freebird to see two friend’s bands. My friend John’s drumming for a band called Amaru they played first and then my friend Kyle who sings for his band Architect Sound. Both decent acts. I went alone and ran into some familiars. Josh met me at the door. We talked a few and then went separate ways. I spotted Kyle from a distance and bunny hopped over for a quick hug. Then I found a good place to stand against the back wall where I could lean and Amaru took the stage. Chris came by after about 10 minutes, another DJ friend we yelled over the music at each other and I ended up going to the balcony and sitting with him for the remainder of the show. I watched Kyle sing, carefully. He has a hell of a voice. I never thought anything ill of him but I had never really found myself attracted to him either. I have notcied now though, he’s got the sex appeal. Maybe you could even say I’d tear him up. I’ll never tell anyone else that though. I don’t paw at anybody or fish, I’m not a chaser. I watched all those girls crammed ass up against the stage, glazed eyes fixed on him like he was the world.

When it was over I began to make my rounds and considered going up to TSI. Josh and Kyle insisted I chill out until they were finished packing then we went downtown to the pizza place next door to Ivy because it’s open until 4AM. Rob was there so I stood around talking to him while the guys unpacked the van. He’d quit Ivy that night. He’s going to go manage a strip club now. I love Rob. He’s a big mean looking fucker at 6’7” and probably over 250 maybe 300lbs. He’s a wall. No joke, you don’t fuck with Rob but he’s really a big teddy bear. If I ever make it big, don’t ask doing what, I have no talent, but if…if for whatever reason, I’d hire Rob as my personal body guard.

Kyle got a hefty speeding ticket on the way downtown and only avoided a DUI by the hair of the dog’s ass so he was a half hour or so behind everybody else. I was relieved to see those desperate pawing, whining fan girls didn’t follow him over. He was incredibly touchy with me. I won’t lie I was eating up, all the extra tight hugs and kisses on the neck and cheek. Yeah I liked it, maybe egged it on a little. I never kissed him back, I had a backless dress on that he was loving. Never underestimate the power of bare skin, a little surprise flesh on flesh will do it.

Jaren showed up around 4 with a friend of his, a girl. The whole place broke out into an awkward quieted frenzy. What’s going on, why’s he with another girl, who’s that? Kyle continued feeling me up and Josh, though drunk insisted he could tell it was bothering Jaren. Around 4 he finally came up to me and we went outside to talk for a minute. He needed a confirmation on what I had have been saying all along. I am not in this business of seriousness. Commitment puts a bad taste in my mouth and I’m still freshly bruised from the beating I cowed down and took over the last “serious” commitment. I am sick of feeling like I belong to somebody. I am sick of people needing ownership of me. I want my freedom and no one’s opinion or pain is going to sway me. Sorry, my heart’s iced over for now, everything lasts longer refrigerated anyway so fuck it.

Around 5 the pizza place finally ran everyone out and the drunken party poured into the street and Kyle had me wrapped up in his arms again. When I realized the only other girl that had followed along from Freebird, a tall leggy bleach blonde, Kyle’s girlfriend, unbeknownst to me until that very moment, was watching us with big sad doe brown eyes I felt like a monster. They are going through shit, he told me at work weeks ago things were screwed up. I felt bad when I saw her eyes though. No one introduced us and that look was the only way I knew who she was. I thought about all the girls hugging and feeling Kyle up at the show and she was there for it all. It would have made me feel sick to be in her shoes. Yes the single life is better. When they got ready to leave, in separate cars he hugged her and she told him she loved him, he did not return the sentiment, ouch. I felt bad for her. Felt bad that I’d put on a show with her man all night. I’ve walked in her shoes and I know how it goes… I’d probably still tear Kyle up though, what can I say?

I got home at 6 didn’t get to bed until 10:30AM it was Sunday at this point obviously. It was from that fucking Provigil, it’s like super blow, extended time release cocaine. No joke. Oh my god, no Provigil on Sunday.

Indecision is a very thin and fragile piece of wood bridging from one cliff to another cliff that is too far away to safely reach. I feel like I sit dead in the middle of that fucking excuse for a walk way every day of my life.

Besides the usual complaints…I am officially narcoleptic. They had to write a letter to my work to explain why I shouldn’t be fired for falling asleep in my cubicle or during meetings. How strange it is to see it down on paper. Like a sticker, I should wear from now on. I am taking Provigil which has me wired worse than the Unabomber. For the first two hours after I take it I can’t even sit still. Crazy but supposedly it’s going to prevent the “irresistible sleep urges” and as far as the cataplectic seizures go it could prevent them or make them worse. I am also going to see a Neurosurgeon for an evaluation, the first thing said to me when I told some one that was ”That’s one step from the operating table, you do realize this right?” No, as a matter of a fact my Neurologist did not see fit to tell me that. The neurosurgeon will take a look at me, talk to me, look at my test results and say either: Skull stays in tact, no surgery or Let’s schedule, get ready for an inverted mohwak. See technically, I see this as more than one step from an operating table because if he thinks I need it I’ll just go get a second opinion which furthers my steps. Isn’t this madness? They didn’t even say what for, another doctor found that out for me. One morning you wake up and you just surrender control. I can’t tell you who you give it over to, I don’t believe in god, maybe you just give it to the doctors but you realize fighting for control is completely worthless and exhausting. Shit will happen that’s just impossible to predict and you live or you die, you’ll die no matter what but you’ll have a little more time or a little less before the inevitable. I am going to do what I want to do and go about it like I have plenty of years to do it but I suddenly feel that selfishness, to an extent, is justified in my case. Not sure why or even if I give a shit if it is or isn’t. I’m not going to take anyone else’s judgment of me with anything more than a grain of salt anyway. I’d have to grant some one a lot more worth than myself to do that and it’s not going to happen.

I hear Binx may come down for Thanksgiving, if not then I guess I’m not celebrating it. Mom’s family is split and Dad’s are foreigners who don’t do American Thanksgiving. No more yummy German Thanksgiving dinners with the ex-boyfriend’s family. Shit…his mom could cook a mean Thanksgiving dinner. On the optimistic side of things I won’t spend that Thursday night laying in bed on my side holding my stomach, praying I don’t involuntarily purge and feeling like I should make myself purge as a punishment. I would drive down south to see Landi if he isn’t back yet but I’m really not supposed to be driving at all right now, doctor’s orders. If I black out or seize while I am driving I just hope I don’t plow down any innocent bystanders, that would be a tragedy coming up on the holidays and all. I guess it’s probably worse to cripple or maim them so hopefully I totally waste them without much suffering… Is an empty spot at the dinner table better than dinner in a hospital room? Am I thinking on this too much? Well I guess whatever there personal preference is life paralyzed or dead from accidents. I know everyone has a preference. My cousin Ian always says to make it count because he doesn’t want come out limping, others I guess they’d be cool with the limp, more so than not seeing their loved ones ever again. Yeah, too much thought. Maybe I should do some of the work I am being paid for, especially since I only have an hour left.

I have never been particularly attracted to brown eyes. I feel like I was cursed with them sometimes when I see my brother’s perfect little pools of Caribbean Sea for pupils. I have been told my eyes are not brown, they are hazel and I get compliments enough about how beautiful they are but it’s probably an illusion my make up is casting. I can think of one pair of brown eyes in particular that I like, though they really aren’t exactly brown either. I think I am more drawn to the ring of liquid gold in the center that bleeds out to a color nothing short of brown, deep dark wooded forest brown but that fire around the iris is what’s catching.

Eyes are nice but when we are away from each other I think he’s too short for me. He’s only 3” taller than me and how could I ever part with all my heels 90% of them being over 4”? It’s unthinkable. When we are together in person the issue of height seems trivial if even an issue at all. We used to walk hand in hand sometimes, then arms over shoulder around waist and a hand in each others back pockets other times. If we stopped walking the lines of our bodies were like magnets and we would instantly fall into each other.

It’s a disease, affection. My therapist says I underestimate the power of chemistry. I think it’s a weakness. I mean he’s got these great lips too which brings me to the fact that he smokes, which I totally don’t give the first shit about because of this unusual attraction. I always thought smoking was disgusting but he says he rarely if ever smokes anymore, maybe for me, maybe because he realizes it disgusting, am I really trying to justify this? Madness.

When he got ready to leave for Europe, the last time I saw him, the good bye that he dropped by at 7 something in the morning to give me when he had gotten off work at 4AM, it slapped me back to my senses. When I backed off from the last hug he took off my sunglasses and touched my face to catch one black tear from running down and staining my cheek. I watched him pull away with that one big trembling black tear from my eyeliner and mascara on his finger and I realized spending time with him was like ingesting poison. I’ve felt this chemistry before and I have nothing but burns and scars to show for it. If you acquire too many of those, inside or out, you start to become a very ugly person.

On my ride to work I felt something very close to relief knowing I would never speak to him again once he left. We talked for the two days he spent down south before flying out and that was it. I went about my life, fighting my other battles, thankful for the small break he gave me and that was that.

Then low and behold one joyful afternoon on a tour bus in San Francisco my caller ID lights up with that fucking number. I was ecstatic, fearful. WTF? We talked. I said I’d come down and see him with no real date in mind and thought after our conversation that it might actually be nice to keep in touch from distances and that would be a perfect excuse to run off down south every once in a while and get high for a weekend or so on that high voltage, certainly unhealthy, electric chemistry we have. I felt complacent.

Last Saturday he calls while I am home alone folding clothes, it had been a few days since I had heard from him. He tells me he’s just gotten back from working in Alabama a ten hour drive. He tells me he is not happy down south, it’s depressing, he’s lonely. I start thinking to myself, contemplating a date that I could go down soon and maybe have Netta or Aleks, his best friends that I can tolerate ride down and visit for a weekend.

“So two or three weeks, what do you think?” I hear him ask. What was he talking about? I fumble on the start of words and finally surrender to “What?” He tells me again, he’s moving back to Jacksonville in two or three weeks. My little flight of bliss comes to a screeching crashing burning halt, “Aren’t you happy?” he asks. Happy? That you’re coming to invade my fortress, my privacy, my private selfish fortress of a life. That you’re coming to drown me in all those chemicals? “Yes” I say as I realize I have already paused too long to make it sound sincere so I spit it out with no feeling. “Well shit, act like it then”, he says laughing through his perfectly sexy accent. That voice travels through my body inflicting the same soft sentiment as a cat’s purr. I just want to be hugged. There is a way he hugs me where stands in front of me with his feet spread apart one on each side of mine where he holds me with his arms at my back making me lean back just enough to put all of my weight in his grasp. It puts us at the same height when he does this.

I guess maybe I would just never admit out loud that there is a different and yes, even pleasant, type of intimacy with some one your own height. Vanity before comfort, it’s just how I am. I’ll never be able to give up my heels for a guy that just makes me happy. I’d rather find one that’s an asshole over 6’. Who knows what going to happen, it the best bad news I could get, I suppose. Maybe I will just relax and enjoy my time here with him because the wheels are already in motion for me to move to Ft. Lauderdale, there is no turning back and thank fucking god for that.

I went to the Faint last night at Freebird. It was a very good show. The first opening act was called Summerbirds in the Cellar and I rather liked them. They were indie but it was pretty dark. They were standing around after the show and I thought maybe I would tell them they had a bad ass sound then decided against it because I am not a brown nose. Retarded train of thought huh? I don’t know how to pay people compliments. I rode out by myself, it was rainy, My brother went to the show separately with a friend of his and I saw a few others I knew but didn’t end up getting to talk to any of them. I got there late, as I do religiously to everything and weasled my way up to the front of the stage. The first band was great the second band was gross. The guy had balls to put on the act he did but…He should have kept his clothes on. He made me laugh a lot but I kept having to fight my way back to my spot after fleeing without regard to consequence every time he crowd surfed over or jumped into the audience. The Faint played and they did all of my favorites. They opened up with Seduced and the second song they played was Glass Danse which I went apeshit over. After that one barely 3 minute song I felt like death. I had all of my emergency meds in my pocket in the event I did break into a catapletic seizure, only problem was if I went out no one knew they were there or even to give them to me. It was depressing; I ended up zoning out thinking about how Nine Inch Nails is suddenly impossible. I could go and sit but I’d feel cheated. Only one of my friends from Jacksonville is going to Orlando and we won’t be able to ride together because he is leaving late and just catching Nine Inch Nails. I would be happy to go alone but after last night I don’t think I could do it. I was pushing it for sure then, Nine Inch Nails would be much more brutal, like 100x, that crowd is definitely not the time or the place to go blacking out. I would have to have some one with me to make sure if I started getting loopy or retarded to make me take my meds and watch me in case I went out. What a fucking terrible feeling, it means I am not and can not be completely independent. I am keeping my fingers crossed that I’ll get it all back some day. Plus I would have to put a damper on someone else’s fun to have to have them watch out for me and that’s just not fair to ask. Maybe I could go and sit, it would cost me $45 as opposed to $125 but I think it's probably just more realistic to retire the idea and be glad I saw them once.

Work was so slow tonight. This week has been weird I made $120 Tuesday night, $12 Wednesday and less than $10 tonight. Next weekend will be good because of the game but hopefully after that I will find another second job where my income is more consistent. Besides I am just tired of coming in at 3 in the morning especially on week nights. I can bartend at a restaurant and be home by midnight which will give me plenty of time to sleep and be back up for my regular job.

My parents coming back from their vacation tomorrow and so I will be finished up cat sitting. The kittens are so funny together but I'm pretty well done cleaning the shit box for three. I've taken so many pictures of them together I will have to go through and pick the best and post them. They're adorable.

It seems like I rarely get to bed before 2 these days so I am going to try and beat the clock tonight. I guess I do have a weekend ahead of me.

Yesterday would have been 3 years, officially. I had been dreading that day coming for weeks. The two hardest feats for me would be the 21st and then the nine inch nails show, which hasn’t come yet. I figured if I lost it and went on a homicidal rampage or worse it would have been yesterday so I started therapy yesterday. I randomly picked a doctor off my insurance company’s provider list and I couldn’t have been luckier. He’s just prefect, its very hard to find one that you are comfortable with because essentially they are passing judgment on you but a good doctor will be one that does so without making you feel judged. My appointment was at 5 and I didn’t leave until 6:50 so he spent a lot of time with me and I had so much shit on my chest that it was exhilarating to have a completely neutral party that was actually interested in hearing it all for once. He politely told me that I have severe anxiety and a type of adjustment handicap, (potentially damaging) impulsive behavior and some serious ADD, there could be more. Tuesday I see the neurologist and he says they will work together to find a psycho stimulant drug to dually treat the narcolepsy and ADD. Once, chemically, I am straightened out then I can work on other issues. I feel relieved. The depression hasn’t lifted but it’s almost like it’s not as much of a burden because maybe someone can help me. Weird.

Thursday is the Faint show which I am really looking forward too. Sunday is the zombie walk which I am trying to look forward too. I haven’t been able to dress up for Halloween since I was like 14 or 15 years old and now something about it almost depresses me. I actually even get to dress up twice this year. Once for the zombie walk and a second time for work.

Survived the hospital with fairly minimum trauma. I feel like I am missing something. When I get back to the neurologist on the 28th I guess I will have all the answers, or at least more than I have now. The weather is getting cool, its nice. I think I'll sleep with the window open.